Ay yi yi, I should probably write on this site more often. In order to login, I had to enter my password to this site. I couldn’t remember it, so I had to reset it. In order to do this, I had to login to my email account that is associate with this site. I could not remember the password to this email account, so I had to then go to an additional back-up email account in which gmail submitted password reset information. I couldn’t remember the password to this second gmail account, which I created for my Facebook page. So then I had to login to my ancient yahoo account to reset my Facebook gmail account. After I reset this, I was then able to reset my gmail account associated with this site. Then, I was able to reset the password associate with this WordPress site. Finally, I was able to login and share this frustrating yet all-too-common experience with all of you.
One would say that perhaps I have too many e-mail accounts. This is true. But don’t we all? Between our social media accounts, photo accounts such as Snapfish and Shutterfly, work accounts, job search site accounts, banking accounts and what ever else one has out there, one would think that we kept our passwords in a special place, similar to how one always puts their key in the same place. But no, we don’t, because we’re always having to f*#king change half these passwords. Even when I try to reset most of my accounts to the same password, it’s inevitable that over time I’ll slowly start changing them. The frustration I feel with keeping track of passwords is right up there with my weight loss struggles.
If you’ve ever read or seen anything in the Fantasy genre, then you’ve seen the Messenger Raven. It’s the big, black ugly bird that delivers news on a scroll, always with a message of doom. Well, after having spent three glorious weeks with ‘Guy’ , I’m convinced that those birds or working for The Man, meaning men, meaning indecisive guys who are unsure about what they want out of a relationship. Or, they know exactly what they want – booty – and they don’t know a classy way to go about ending a short, though lustful, relationship. There is also the possibility that they don’t want to terminate the lustful relationship. Instead, they just want to slow it down, treating it like a rare delicacy.
Everything was going well with ‘Guy’ for the past month; he was attentive and always sent a kind daily message. BUT, the day I go to McDonalds and stuff my face, which is the same day I start my period, I don’t hear from him. This was yesterday. Today is day two of the curse and I have not heard from him. Some could say that I’m in denial, that he’s just not that in to me (i know this is a possibility). I, however, believe there is something else out there in the world that is giving him information about my eating habits, menstrual cycle and whatever else he wants to know. Why else would he go from attentive to MIA (I’m in denial)?
Is he already that in sync with my reproductive cycle, figuring that since I was so horny last week it must have been due to that time of the month? Will he contact me in about twenty days? Ahhh…
Update: Day 6 of menstrual cycle, he calls me. Yep, there is a source out there, probably Cupid’s arch nemesis, providing information to this guy.
Before leaving a holiday party (or any party for that matter) and telling people you’re okay to drive, please check your teeth in the mirror. Make sure there are not dried red remnants of red wine stuck between your teeth. If you get pulled over with Wine Teeth, you might as well just hand over a copy of your insurance with both of your wrists extended for the handcuffs.
I just don’t get the significance of the shell. Is this Florida family swingers? Instead of putting giant white rocks in their yard to symbolize their swinger status, as they do in the Midwest, do Florida couples use white shells? I honestly have not read the Bible cover to cover, maybe there is a version about Jesus being born from a shell. Some would say this is just as plausible as a woman becoming pregnant without sex. I don’t know, maybe there was a fourth wiseman who brought a beautiful big shell as a housewarming gift for the manager. Either way, I’m probably booking my first class seat to Hell by writing this post.
Although I love the holiday season, the equilibrium in my universe is completely thrown off about a week before Christmas, when kids are out of school and grandparents and distant relatives are in town. Both space and time become too condensed. I forget that I need to give myself an extra thirty minutes to an hour to complete tasks that usually take me 15 minutes. I feel that corporate America needs to accommodate me and their regular customers during this time of the year.
For example, Bank of America needs to set up an additional ATM at my local bank with a blinking sign that says “Withdrawals Only.” I’m in a hurry, I like to get my money and put the pedal to the medal. I don’t have the time or the gas to wait while people read their balances, only to have to re-enter their pen number so that they can either take out money or slowly deposit their $5 or $10 bills, only to THEN re-enter their pen number and take out a $20. Yes, I’ve seen things of this nature happening. And it’s perfectly okay to use the public ATM as your personal banking device when it’s 2 a.am. in the morning and no one is behind you. It is never okay to do this during the holiday season, or really any time of the year. I think after this rant, I’m going to contact BOA and tell them they need an express ATM line.
Panera, my go to lunch/dinner spot. Ahh, I do not have the energy to wait while six twelve-year-old girls in front of me individually order a bagel with water or blackberry smoothie. Set up a separate line for them. In fact, anyone, anywhere, at any time, please don’t stand in line to order your meal until you know what you want. Please don’t use the ten-minute line to catch up on a year’s worth of small talk only to get to the cash register in utter shock, realizing that you were actually standing in line for a purpose, which was to order something at a restaurant that has a limited assortment of food.
And finally, drivers. Please, please pay attention and be patient (I have to remind myself of this one). Driving rules don’t change during the holidays. There is a system to lights: green, yellow, red, green, yellow, red. It’s okay if you don’t make it through the yellow light. You’ll get another chance to make your left turn in the near future. Just sit in your car and enjoy your holiday music or practice your deep breathing exercises or guided imagery, imagining yourself somewhere calm. Or, take a few minutes to complete your banking online so that you don’t waste other people’s time while you go thru the ATM line. (Please only do this one when your car is not moving).
Once I woke up and realized what I wanted out of life, I immediately went back to bed. It’s important to build up an energy reserve for ambition.
I know I shouldn’t spend thirty minutes clicking through the same horrid photos of me on Facebook, obsessing over every imperfection and the fact that I am wearing the same dress in three different events, but sometimes half an hour of self deprecating is what it takes to get in that hour workout for the day.